Break Up Myths …. Who Suffers More?
Well, that’s the question being promoted on the internet. I get it, it builds intrigue. It snatches your attention because no one actually has a clue of which sex “suffers more” during a break up.
The other week I had been balled over by gossip that an old flame had a tough time splitting from me. It was funny because his friends told mine the news… it’s not like I had any less misery getting over him.
My opinion stands, that it is not a question of which sex suffers the most for how long and in which way.
The real question is the point of the break up (ie reason) and how to leave it respectfully. Truly not many people know how to do this. The amount of times I did it, I was hurting like crazy… how the heck do you leave a person respectfully when you just want to shut down? Majority of people out there are animals and just take what they can.
It’s a war.
One guy whose wife left him two kids later, took 10 years to get over the betrayal. Another girl (myself) took roughly 3 years to get through all the stages of mourning and acceptance over breaking off with a first love, to actually be happy being single. And then there’s a guy who in my circle, apparently suffered making the transition between having a girl in his life in whatever capacity – and becoming single. And then a few months later his friends talk about it when they hear my name. Apparently I hit guys like that harder than cupids arrow.
Back to the point. I disagree that it is a matter of whether its biology, competition based, whether guys are the real victims of break up, whether guys feel a deeper loss in the long term. Each individual plays a part, but I do agree that girls have much better coping mechanisms. I know I do.
Each break up is case specific. Miscommunication gets fired. Emotions flare up. I think at the end of the day, women probably get more freedom firing about their feelings than men do; that is one huge exception to the whole process.
In my very last case, the guy did not step up to the plate. He did not make huge decisions impacting both of us, so I said nupe you ain’t partner material – after we stalled on the labels for a few months. Nothing to say on the actual person, he was quite amazing and I was inspired by him. But he was too immature for a real committed relationship and it showed through his past relations. And to hear that he was in distress after me, reflects more on him than me.
the only thing that did to me is remind me of how much I am tired of drama, intrigue, of babysitting grown men, of how much I’m looking forward to a supportive loyal partner who gets how I function and lets me be who I’ve grown into.
And of course a tiny plant of hope grew at the gossip, hoping I was right to break up with the guy because he needs space to grow more than anything. He says he is a relationship guy, it’s who he is. Attack of the bullcrap is what I call it.
– And maybe we can finally be happy together. My reason was, if we are meant to be, it will happen no matter what happens. People and things returned to me over time… this case was not exceptional.
Maybe 6 shots and 3 days of misery told me this guy had me hooked. But also, had agreed to let me go.
To me it’s not a question of commitment but of involvement. Hence I want to know a guy is worth my time before I go official with him.
Guys on the other hand? If they haven’t a clue as to what they’re doing and they’re damn lonely – they resort to drinks, drugs, hook ups, parties, another relationship, becoming an asshole, or withdrawing socially. So if he behaves totally out of his normal style that is apparently their coping mechanism. Then there’s the denial. All the distractions that you see speed him away from confronting his hurt.
This is something that surprises me. Somewhere along the way we forgot to communicate what was going on. It doesn’t matter – what’s socially acceptable, age and gender. I remained the bigger adult yet all the truth, came out from his friends who were obviously concerned. The cherry on top was the intrigue built from my silence.
It’s a myth, the question of who suffers more. Why can’t marketing and the internet, science and academia leave partners alone.
Everyone suffers in their own way. Maybe guys indeed, feel a loss of something awesome from their lives; so do girls.
One point I did find fascinating, was that guys feel dissatisfaction when the relationship is on the rocks and girls don’t; they get off on the status of being with someone.
Reflects on the needs of the genders, don’t it?
Photo credit: Instagram, @winetillidie247