I went up to the bus stop nice and warm after standing and changing under the heater, in my jacket cradling my coffee, unrushed.
And it just caught me how much I had no idea how to look after myself.
I bought a coffee holder from a favourite department store and realized I should have done that ages ago.
Self care, self protection, time management.
Friend filter (although I was good at that ages ago).
Self preservation. I would have had 5 good guy mates but no boyfriends.
There was too much media in my life, too many fake friends. Parents who couldn’t be adults, too many expectations and critique. THE MEMORIES and IMPACT are what’s important. If it’s something you need therapy from, then by all means God speed. I am done with fighting and putting up a mirage for anyone’s sake. It is morally draining and doesn’t serve me.
Crying is important. Acknowledging the truth is important. Warm jackets are necessary. Coffee holders are essential…. and so is a good cry over fabulous wine.
More importantly I have to schedule therapy for the next couple of years and work on becoming morally and emotionally balanced. Because the truth is only your closest friends know what’s going on and care. And if you hear from 3 that it’s been super rough all round, no matter what anyone else says you need to honour the sentiment. The care, the investment.
The comedy I dived into and the jokes I made since I was 16, are a coping mechanism from tragedies.
But that doesn’t mean I need to be cheerful all the time. It means I need to find balance … even though I am a happy person within, too much comedy means I don’t relax my shields.
I knew this back in Europe 2016 because something in me was aching while people were laughing.
Something was saying, enough. You’re taking on too much and putting on too much.
I am sabotaging the good stuff because I have no idea how hurt I am inside and how strong I have been pretending to be. And that’s what my mates know. You cant put a whole household on a kid and think they’ll come out alive. That’s recipe for someone like me. Who wants peace and to be surrounded by fluff balls(corgis and Icelandic sheepdogs) and have a seniors lifestyle.
That doesn’t make sense, right. I’m 28 with an international network, a curious and exciting lifestyle, get hit on by men all the time – with a great extended family that’s generous.
And I am demanding a guy to marry me or get lost within the year.
I should be demanding I get my own space before making major life decisions. I mean I’m not afraid of making any life decisions but I could be sabotaging the strength of an awesome union because I have no clue how to care for myself. To prioritize myself.
I have no consistent habits of self love. I have a terrible relationship with myself.
I am getting better but…. it’s a process.
Second of June 2018:
I just realized I’ve done a few things wrong in my life. At 15, I should have told everyone to piss off – make a plan to save up for Europe, get into COFA (college of fine arts) and business school. Volunteer in spare time. Knock it off with social media. Get a fabulous secure coffee cup to take on every road journey. Get an awesome camera to photo whatever I like. Head to eastern Europe by 20 to see the culture and make friends. Send postcards to mum whenever I had gone past an awesome place. Keep dad on the phone but only on the phone.
Not trust any adult without good intentions. This is before self doubt and expectations set in.
All this because I realized I couldn’t put on weight because I’m so very upset with the last few years and putting up a fight that I’m happy where I am and couldn’t give a damn, is far from the truth.
Why? Just a few things from the last few years:
Trying to move to another country.
Recreating a family vibe
Different language and culture
Education and seasons
Protecting and nurturing your parent
Bunch of flings and heartaches with emotionally unavailable men
Betrayals from friends and families
A poisonous community
Finances and career planning
Seeing a parent change and having to accept that you will not always be as close as you used to be
Acting strong when no matter what, you can’t gain your footing.
It took 6 glasses of wine – 60% of it white wine, to break through my inner crazy defence and coping mechanisms to finally get to the truth, in the comfort of my own home. In the dark comfort of my bed during winter. Cue Niagara Falls.
So this is 4 ways I’m enjoying my quiet time now:
Because pushing in self care habits are harder than they look for a strong successful independent woman that don’t need no man. And wants a committed man, beach and puppy.
1. I spoil myself
Oils sleep makeup food you name it
2. I run my own schedule
Domestic bliss, gardening, cooking, having a pinot noir and a steak with a good mate. Not going on social media until I have personal necessities met.
3. I reflect on people’s lifestyles and my own:
what is it I can do better now?
Self-awareness, forgiveness and asking big questions helps me a lot. This wouldn’t be possible with having a dominating boyfriend, living with parents or a demanding job. I
I am planning a spa day, had a couple of shisha nights out with my best mate in sydney, had a weekly face mask, having a cuppa in my garden, RECEIVING thoughtful gestures from people around me.
I didn’t realize just how much I was cutting off the receiving flow and just, pure love – until I cried a few masks off and promised myself, I will get through.
I will get better. I will be unburdened again. I will stop acting SOMETHING IS OK WHEN IT IS NOT.
You know why? Boundaries. Communication. Identity. Finding yourself.
4. It’s a quiet time.
Before I get hitched, have a packed life, travel a ton, I am chilling out and surrendering to a lifestyle dictated by only me. And a few concerned friends. You gotta honour those who care about you.
I’m a bachelorette of six years, former playgirl and proud of it.
Before you can have a life partner you need to know how you tick, what you stand for and just enjoy yourself naturally. That’s a huge power no one can take from you. I spent most of my 20s researching life and now I’m enjoying nature.
Not fashion, not men 😉 not a family – just nature and me walking down the street.
There’s crystals there’s rock’n’roll – I prefer a chill out in the sun with a drink and a cheese melt on toast.
Or a BBQ beach party, whichever is best in season.
Do you know what you want?
What if a colleague asked where you see yourself in a years time – could you answer that?
He said: ‘whatever you want, you will get’.
An old date asked: ‘what do you want?’
Just your attention and affection, my heart screamed. But my mind didn’t let it through. Gotta look like a badass, teasing the pants off a Spaniard.
‘What are you looking at now?’
My wonderful old boss back in communication asked as I was finishing my 6th month of internship.
It is work to find habits that care for you instead of you caring for someone else – from sport to makeup to food, music and art.
People watching, coffee, gaming – cocktails – what do you do to find your happy place?
I had a couple of doubts whether I should post this. But decided on my 3rd glass of chardonnay, that my truth could set you guys free. And ultimately, all these events are what lead me to research. I want to know what is going on.
This piece can be easily viewed as an autobiography or diary note. But because I see so much material on #selfcare with business owners going through their own chaos and the effort to un-stigmatize things like side effects of drugs, mental health, domestic violence – depression and anxiety to name a few, I want to contribute with my own story
It was originally meant to be about how I am loving my peaceful life… and which steps I took to feel good
How did I go? 🙂
If this does help, I would love to know about you 😊
I am setting up an email which you will see here soon, super excited to hear back – also, plug into facebook
or Instagram https://www.instagram.com/anna_likhoa/
and we’ll talk!