Sitting down at the kitchen and lounge, I replayed my 7 minute WhatsApp voice clip to an old date over and over – maybe five times. I packed the last few years if not decade of my life, with real points and reasoning (factual thanks to blogging and my determination to be understood) … to let this guy into my life.
I cracked a few times. It was that powerful.
He was knocking…
My friends were talking,
He asked for a picture and my head refused to acknowledge the teenage request – coming from a strong, charismatic male. That was the catalyst, actually. Because I couldn’t take it any more.
Before a little spontaneous chat – I had to decide, yes it is tough sending a guy this much information where previously I was trying to get rid of him, so I’ll break it down.
I needed to honour everyone around me.
So, I told him what had happened: family issues, travels, betrayals…
Context. Reasoning. Motives. And ‘I’m about to trust you with some information’: hitting gold for guys. I didn’t realize until he actually thanked me for opening up.
I’m perfect high-profile romance novel material. I say this a lot because it is a larger than life experience, judging by people’s reactions. Hence my thoughts on Irina Shayk and that high profile lifestyle.
And as I heard myself crack with emotion, I noticed something:
Covering my strong image was hurting me inside in the long term: ergo suicides of celebrities and other ‘strong’ models.
Protecting people around me was showing my values but also the childish stupidity of the people surrounding me. I had to call it out and stay away from it.
My crazy strong emotional base which needed a break
People who were toxic and looking for attention at someone else’s expense…. And I let all that happen when I was younger.
I’m apologizing to my younger self for answering to adult dramas that had nothing to do with me.
I am so grateful things worked out in the end – and thanks to my careful friend filtering, observation and research, my faith in the good increased.
Most importantly, I noticed how little people around me could handle – and how much I could in fact, understand, process, empathize and manage.
Surely that’s a great quality and a strength?
An image .. and the truth. Which one do you feed?
The one that’s serving the public’s safe ideas or the soul in you that doesn’t buy mainstream ideas?
Hint: Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. Robbin Williams and various students. Many ended their lives – for many reasons, the biggest in this post would be the fact their suffering was unheard. Expression is one of the dearest things to us as human beings – and when we can’t say what’s on our mind? We is gone.
As I opened up and trusted a certain guy with this knowledge, a bond and an understanding rocked up. Relationship satisfaction increased. And I noticed, the guy could handle my depth – something I was indirectly testing. And he could handle the crazy that was my past and my world. Our appreciation for each other also increased. Indirectly I was also trying to say, ‘I’m not your average girl here.’
I mean, I am accepting that the crazy follows me whatever I do. It’s my energy, how I do things.
I felt heard – in his summary, I found out his position of understanding. That I had experienced a lot.
If I had not done this, admitting where I’m going wrong (Self care post) and letting a guy in – the truth would have eaten at me. Point blank. I know this because my intuition said so.
The strangest and most hair pulling moment so far though, is that I am laughing and joking at the dentists’ before getting a wisdom tooth out and heading to work after (I know, this is just me being me) and told a friend, I’m too cheerful for people to be suspicious of my sadness. On the outside anyway – once I let you in, you may not handle the amount of information and depth I have to offer.
But so many people adore it. Apparently I’m one of the few real beings to have a genuine conversation with. I intend to maximize that.
That’s the very thing that irritates me, this thick mask of jovialty. I am naturally a cheerful person but making fun of life can trail towards a carefully manufactured wall of surviving tragedies.
Or as one guy told me, going from crisis to crisis. Yeah, that’s the same guy who can make a pretty good summary of events.
What do you guys reckon? Is this crazy or awesome?
I’m onto changing the pictures on facebook and the pic on this blog – majority of pictures you see are now mine 🙂