I had the most incredible epiphany after sitting down and talking to an amazing published, top selling author that my old high school friend has for an aunt.
The lady has kids and is a widower and a nursing background. She writes crime and suspense mostly, with a substantial readership and experience that I was pushing to get.
I had the strangest sensation that the only thing dividing this lady from me was apart from her age – she had completed the social and family checklist and as someone heading into her senior years, she isn’t on ‘the must do xyz to look like a functioning member of society’ lists. Like so many of our 20s bros and sisters.
But going past all that I heard her lamenting how she wished she was as passionate as I am about my art if she were my age. Coming from an intelligent, experienced and likeminded character, I took that as something to consider. It was a lot like a lament from a gf’s boy who wished he had a passion too.
Not many people know what their passions are so early in life.
It helped knowing that you can unapologetically chase your dreams and enjoy yourself in the process, without catering to anyone else.
There’s something very freeing about knowing people in their middle age or start of 30s who are beginning to build businesses and art. I had an idea of what I wanted in terms of house and family and lately but after a few life events, I noticed how awkward any of my romances got.
I decided to put a pause on the whole agenda after a month and a half.
There is a reason I like to befriend guys first. That’s the first litmus test: what are their intentions and can they stick around.
Being a writer, a novelist as I am aiming for, it’s one hell of a solitary existence. My author friend called it a selfish existence.
I said, how do you raise a family and write books?
Protip, hire some help.
After all of this, I told a friend how I was inspired by this energy and this achieving mind, and how suddenly I felt totally unapologetic about spending on myself. I wrote on this before HERE My Number Is 6 Glasses Of Wine #selfcare but didn’t realize how much of a process it is; getting comfortable with a routine that prioritizes your needs and spending on yourself. Almost a year later, I think I’m making excellent progress.
By every factor, this is exactly what I should be doing.
Now second part:
Statistically speaking, men are better than women at the numbers game. Ie dating. Men are better than women at shopping for their better half.
Also statistically speaking, men’s heart health is best with ONE woman by their side. Not single, not polygamous. With One. I’m more than happy to quote a wonderful Australian female heart surgeon Dr Nikki Stamp in her Can You Die Of A Broken Heart book.
There is absolutely no evidence to suggest that the woman comes out alive after being done with a man – in whatever capacity, whatever the agreement. (or a man either if he has a conscience) I don’t know anyone who didn’t develop feelings or wanted more – or acted more badass than they actually felt.
I guess people take the games a little too far to satiate their ego. This also goes for mediocre men who try seduce women in high positions. I personally know at least one.
I’m talking about self worth and self respect: men generally go after commitments once they know they’re stable. Women go at it at any time because that’s how they’re set up: we can nurture a village if the right supportive man comes along.
It is better for your health and social status to go for the right person that supports you. This is how you can avoid unnecessary mess and drama.
It’s synchronicity, boundaries and aligned purpose.
And fourth to this part is the excuses the young make for their lack of commitment to anyone. High divorce rates for example. Why even bother if clearly the future for marriage looks terrible?
Guys, this is a load of garbage. If I stayed away from living my life based on my parents past examples, I wouldn’t be here writing. I’ve had an unquenchable desire for answers and truth and an end to some confusion since my late teens.
I also wanted satisfaction and an amazing life. My system will not let me settle because I conditioned it to keep fighting for glory.
If one person wishes to be ignorant in the face of low travel costs, tons of literature available 24/7 and a changing digital world, that is their decision.
If they also want to excuse lack of courage, commitment and self-initiation on crap romantic history, crazy family dynamics or heavy work life – that is also ultimately their decision.
So we have – go for dreams, go for glory, be unapologetic, be single while you can, and excuses people make for not doing something awesome with themselves.
To finish, my own 2 piece on what to make of the craziness of life – tragedies and blessings, assumptions, obligations and having to care for family.
Some time ago in my post DTR I chronicled my attempt at defining a relationship. The result was some disappointment and hurt and ultimately, the start of a fury of 6 months. This was an epic time that I challenged the most charming, handsome guy I’ve gone out with and known – who revelled in status quo. It took major balls for me. And of course I liked him, otherwise I wouldn’t be at the bar with him making a big deal of our weird arrangement.
But time had come.
I remember vividly how the man of the hour told me to be selfish, make my decisions and do what’s right for me. That didn’t answer the question of ‘are we official’ after a damn weird dating pattern of 6 months which I again tried to pause, but it did echo into my future two years later.
The idea of making decisions made me reflect.
These are all mental funks –
I should do this,
by x age I should have done y,
what will people think if I haven’t done z by age x.
It’s tyranny in the most exquisite form. Even I who preach about self-care and the values of natural gifts, do feel some social obligation at times.
However as this month came into April, I saw some subtle answers.
My girlfriends of 30, 35, 32, have lots going on and are OK with having minimal romantic lives.
I totally get it. As an artist, your first love is your art. It’s your fight and your purpose so it stands no argument against the dumb, clueless, moral-less and family-less male species walking our streets, no matter how attractive physically. It almost pains me to write this because I love men but they in no way, support or appreciate the women in their lives… yet. I would assume they wouldn’t know how to even if they wanted to. Some do.
Oh and I forgot, for the men in management positions they also come with their own demands and timelines. And egos. That one hit me recently when I found after a nice 3 dates and loads of communication, my date got overwhelmed and blocked communication. One part universe one part male ego unable to admit failure.
How do I know? I got the vibe.
And I felt it too extreme to be a normal thing for me. I’m picky with my company. So I got the hint, time for me. Not the guys.
Men in higher levels, unless they come with integrity and some kind of family base… I truly do not see how they could dive into or benefit from a woman kicking their butt (which is our job essentially) that’s why you see older white guys going for younger pretty Asian ladies. Or any girl submissive to them and willing to reiterate their own BS to them.
Ah, bubble worlds are so enticing.
Back to my awesome post, the only true win you have is to realize your dreams, no matter how hard it looks or how crazy sometimes. And no one, nothing can stop you.
You see it? You feel it? Just make it happen because it’s basically done.
Also, fries before guys. Just in case you forgot to get yourself a burger.